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A Dreamer's Gift
The past 11 weeks have been a wild, difficult roller coaster ride. I'm not even sure where to begin...

To start off with, I took a spontaneous 1 week vacation to NYC. I didn't have the money for it, nor did any of my friends who went with me. I knew I needed time off, and it wasn't going to be spent in Brevard. So two friends and I booked a place to stay at the hotel in the Upper West Side (94th St) and bought tickets to three shows: Billy Elliot, 9 to 5: The Musical, and Hair. Needless to say, I had a great time. I also made a new friend in the city. This friendship led to having a free tour on the Empire State Building, and what a marvelous view it was. The shows were also fantastic, and the nightclubs were thriving, especially in the Village area, since it was gay pride week. We saw the parade, we saw the festival, and we had a blast. It's so great to stand up for who you are, and what you believe in. The power was tremendously exhausting, but it left a good feeling inside. I also had the chance to meet the cast of 9 to 5 and Hair. They are amazing people, as well. Even though this trip set me back in finances, it was still a good time, and I don't regret one minute of it.

Sadly, I had to go back home. I didn't want to, but oh well. I've spent most of my time learning to surf again, thanks to the new friends I made while assisting them with their ASL lessons at BCC. I've also been working. A LOT. Though I am not supposed to get more than 29 hours a week, we have 3 pregnant women in my department, and they tend to call out...a lot. I usually end up coming in to the rescue. I don't mind, but sometimes working 9 days in a row is a bit of a nerve wrecking tradition. I only hope that we can soon pick up and make better sales...

In addition to work, I've been offered a new job. A friend of mine is setting up his own business. He is currently working for a business that helps people with bad credits. Though the company was thriving, it is now being investigated for fraud, and isn't doing too well. My friend has been in the business for years, and knows it very well. He knows what he wants to do, and he's figured out how to do it. That being said, he's starting up his own business. IF this happens, then he will be hiring me to do Data Entry. It's a 40+ hours a week. $10/hr, and Mon-Fri. Though for the time being, there are no benefits, so I will most likely stay at Home Depot & work on the weekends. I hope this happens, though. I really need a better paying job!

On a happier note, I have finally found the love of my life. His name is Frankie. He is a Walmart floor planner. He lives in Orlando. After meeting him online and chatting for a few days, we decided to take a risk and meet. Our first date was at Sea World, and what a date it was. I had so much fun spending time with him that I actually didn't leave until the next day. Because his job requires a lot of hours & a lot of traveling, he is only available for 5 days out of a whole month. I had a discussion with my boss, and I'm grateful that she is willing to work this out with me. She'll give me 3 days off when he is back in Florida. She'll also try, nothing promised, to give me the holidays off to be with him. But I know that I love him. And he loves me. It's great having that feeling. I miss him a lot when he's on the road, but absence makes the heart grows fonder.

There are more news. The sister I have never gotten along with is pregnant. I will soon be an uncle. I hope that this will bring us closer, but I doubt it, since she isn't dealing with me very well. We are much too different to get along with. Her views on life is all work, no play. My view on life is to take chances, have fun, be adventurous. After all, you don't have 3 or 4 or 10 life & death experiences without thinking what you're missing out in life. Mindy often has a hard time understanding that. I hope one day, she'll wake up and realize it. And I hope one day we can get along peacefully and be the brother & sister we never once were.

That...is pretty much my life right now. Hopefully, more will happen in the near future for me to write about.

Current Location: United States, Florida, Orlando

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Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone you were in a relationship with (or wanted to be in a relationship with)? Did it work?
People come into our lives for a reason...
Bringing something we must learn,
And we are led to help us most to grow,
If we let them...and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true -
But I know I am who I am today,
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the woods
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...I have been changed for good.


These are lyrics by Stephen Schwartz. The song itself is from the musical, Wicked.

Those verses are so true. I do believe that everyone we meet has a certain power of changing our lives. It could be anyone - a police officer, a president, a homeless man, someone standing in front of you in the checkout line. Everyone around us has the ability to make us change. It happens often if we have a chance to interact with them, but it does even happen if we just watch them.

And in relationships, I do believe that every one of us do change. We don't realize it because we don't do it on purpose. We do it by accident, by learning, by teaching. When we are with our loved ones, or with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even a friend, we are constantly learning from each other & teaching each other how to grow our individuality. Relationships of any kind requires hard work. And along with hard work is a learning & teaching process, for which we use to change ourselves.

You may not realize it, but if you think hard enough: were you the same person you were one year ago? How about 5 years ago? 10?

I do believe that we do change ourselves, but I don't believe that we do it on purpose. If we did, then nothing would work for ourselves. So change only if you feel like you have to, and change only for the better. Don't change just because you THINK it will be better, or so that you can have the hottest man around. Change because you want to better yourself, or have someone make you realize what you need to change. Or even better - just let change happen!

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How many different places (cities, houses, apartments, dorm rooms, etc.) have you lived in? Which is your favorite? And your least favorite?
It depends on what you consider "lived in." To me, lived in is even applied to hotel rooms you've stayed at. Of course, I'm not going to say that my favorite place was some 9x9 room with cheap coffee! I just wanted to introduce the week I've stayed at. It was very nice, and it was something I really wanted: a place for me to call my own.

In 2003, I was flown to San Diego, CA by my godmother for a graduation present. I was only eighteen at the time, and it was my first time being away from home by myself. That's the first thing I really liked - being able to fly out somewhere on my own, without my family hovering over me and needing to know exactly what I'm doing at this precise moment. I felt free. To top it off, my godmother lives in this "set" of condos. One was for her and her husband to live in, and the other was a guesthouse.

Of course, in California, the houses were like in New York City - built upward. To get to my room, you had to climb two flights of stairs. There was a living room, a bedroom, and a bathroom. Underneath was a storage with a washer & a dryer. I actually felt like I lived on my own and had my godmother visit me all the time. I was able to sleep with privacy. I listened to music and danced all over the room like an idiot. I watched TV.

But of course, it wasn't the place that I really enjoyed; it was the city itself.

San Diego is beautiful. Jacaranda trees are sprewing out of the streets, seals lay on their bellies in the morning while the tides came in, and people are buzzing through every street corner, getting coffee. This was in the morning. By afternoon, it was buzzing with shops, events, vendors, and traffic. What a wonderful place it was. My town was never like this. People do not walk here. People drive, and they drive crazy. But in San Diego, they walk. There's a shop on every corner, there's a beach on one side, and an inner city life on the other side. Such a dynamite combo.

So, of all the places Iived in, visited, or stayed at, my godmother's condo was the best. It had a beautiful view of teh city, with mountains in the background and is close by to anything fun.

Of course, there is a least favorite, and that is Brevard. This town is only great if you have a degree in engineering, a family to raise, and if you're a hardcore Christian. This town reeks of lack of culture, and the people are too narrow to learn anything new. Everything must be done according to the Christian Bible, and segregation is always in favor, even if the laws ban it. Fortunately, the people here are afraid of the laws, so they tend to follow it if they can't get a vote in.

In addition, it's expensive. Sure, California is expensive as well, but at least there's things there to do, reasons for high taxes, and such the likes. But here in Brevard, we only have strip of malls with lousy stores, 24-7 diners, and chain restaurants. In fact, everything here is a chain. It's basically a rest stop with a beachside view. And that's another thing - the beaches. I loathe the beaches. Our beaches are always infected with sea lice, man-of-wars, and filth from pollution caused by cruise ships and the rockets/space shuttles.

So it's obvious that small towns with nothing to do is not a place for me to live in, but rather a large, busy place.

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I almost feel similar to that of Lucy in the musical, Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical. The desire to have a new life, a fresh start. You see, Lucy is a woman who sells herself on the street. She is beautiful, but very broken. She never had a wonderful life, and she was always succumbed into the low-life of drugs, thief, abusive relationships, and promiscuous sex. But when Dr. Jekyll helped her with an injury caused by Mr. Hyde, she fell in love with him. That's when she knew she had to change her life.

After making that last post I made last night, it really got me to thinking of what I should do with my life. I really need to get serious, and to get out of this town.

So, as of the fall term for 2009, I will be going back to school again. I've e-mailed my adviser for an appointment to find out what I need to do. Instead of just taking the same math classes over and over, I will be taking the Crime Scene Technology program. It seems to be easy enough, even though there are a lot of classes required (60 credits total). Hopefully, some of the classes I've already taken will still be credited, and I would only have to take fewer classes. If not, then I'm willing to start over.

After completing the program, I will have an AS (Associate in Science) and may land a job somewhere in the criminology field. I may also just use the degree to get into a 4-year university, such as University of Central Florida, Florida State, University of Florida, or anywhere else. I just know that this is my one way ticket to getting out of Brevard period. I just hope the finances don't get in the way.

Speaking of which, I am also going to apply this year's FAFSA. I know that since I turned 25, I will be eligible for at least a grant or a loan.

I hope that this will all work out. If not, then I shall make the best of it.

Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: Cabaret - Liza Minnelli

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It's true. I am a bit hard to understand. Okay, maybe more than a bit.

But what about you? Sometimes, I don't understand why you do the things you do, but I let you do it.

Why can't people just let me do what I want to do? I am so fed up of interrogations by people about what I'm doing with my life. I appreciate your concern, folks, but it is MY life. Not yours.

Yes, it's true. Yes, I know. Yes, ma'am, you're right. Yes, sir, I understand.

I know the costs of living a life. I know you are supposed to go to school, complete it, and then live happily ever after with a wonderful nine-to-five job while raising three kids and getting a divorce in a white picket fenced house. Honestly, people...life is not perfect. With the economy being the way it is, it's hard to find a decent job. I'm glad I have one, though it's not my dream job. But that's okay. I'm still young, I still got life. But I do want to enjoy it for a bit now. I want to be free of concern, fired with energy, far away from worries, troubles, and struggles.

You may call me lazy. That's fine. I'll call you a douche bag.

I just wish people would understand what I go through with math. It is the only class I need to pass, but it's such a chore to do. And it's a much harder chore than cleaning out the grout between the tiles in your bathroom. Math is tough work for me. I'm glad some of you enjoy it, and I'm glad some of you work for a living with math. That's great. But that's not me. I'm much more "creative" than that. I reach out beyond the academics. I go for the stars. I go for the dreams that everyone dreams, but don't want.

Having an artistic mind is not that easy, either. I spend hours late at night writing. I dance around my room naked to Broadway tunes with my iPod. I read & re-enact plays in my room. That's what I love doing the most. I just wish people would see me, and not see the me that I'm supposed to be in their eyes.

Yes, I know I complain about this town. Because this town has NOTHING to offer but engineering programs. How the hell am I supposed to learn? I've even weighed my options. I thought about commuting to and from Orlando for a culinary school. I love to cook, particularly baking. I've even thought about opening up a little bakery of my own, or maybe a catering business. I've also thought about submitting some of my writings to get a bit of extra cash. I've thought about submitting one of my plays to a local playhouse. I've thought about a lot of things that I want to do with my life. There's so much that I don't even know what I want to do...

I just know this: NO MATH WHATSOEVER.

I am just flabbergasted by the "support" I've been getting. Today, my sister nagged at me. The other day, a customer of mine told me to go back to school because math (even algebra, trig, and calculus) is the MOST important thing to have. A co-worker is mad at me because I can't get loans (like that's my fault?) and another co-worker is trying to get me to go back to school.

My response is: GET OFF MY BACK.

I am so fed up. I am so exhausted. LITERALLY - physically, emotionally, and mentally exausted of hearing you guys how I should run my life.

It's MY life. Not yours. Not theirs. Not ours. MINE, and MINE alone.

Maybe the way I'm living isn't of your approval.
Maybe I'm not doing things good enough for you.

But who fucking cares? Certainly not me.

Right now, I'm taking the time to enjoy life. That's why I've been going to shows. That's why I'm planning a trip to NYC with a friend. That's why I go out with a friend to shop, talk, laugh, cry. I want to enjoy the life I've never had. Having a friend & going to the mall just to hang out is something I don't normally do, and when I do it, it's fun. Going to teh beach & being chased by peacocks with friends is scary, but fun. Running in the rain, dancing to 80s music in my car, listening to music, discussing the dramatics of Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty. Teaching a thing or two about American Sign Language.

Those are things I *never* got to do while I was in school. Those are things I'm enjoying right now. You may not like it, fine. You may not approve it, fine. But that's MY life you are dealing with, and it's MY decision to make of what my life will be like. So you can just go back to minding your own business.

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The French term "l'esprit de l'escalier," which translates literally as "the wit of the staircase," refers to those perfect, clever comebacks that you only think of after the fact. What's the best came-too-late comeback you've ever had?
I once went to see insult comedienne Lisa Lampanelli with a bunch of deaf friends. Being deaf myself, we were seated in the 2nd row center, which is a hot spot to be made fun of by her. The moment Lisa saw me, she called me a "retarded Harry Potter" and asked me to come up to the stage to talk to her. When she found out that I was gay, she simply asked, "do you make those retarde sounds in bed when you take it up the ass?" I laughed, told her (and the audience) that guys love it! It wasn't until 2 hours later after the show when I thought of "why don't you get a strap on and find out for yourself?"

I felt bad afterwards, but it was still a great night of laughter!

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Do you believe in monogamy?
As part of a gay community, I'd like to say that it can work, if they're willing to. But I've had so many discussions with my friends (gay, straight, bisexual, transexuals, etc) and I find it very surprising that most of the GLBTQ community thrive for varieties, while straight people are more proned to spending the rest of their lives being devoted to that one special person.

I am not one to judge. I could care less what people do with their lives. It's not my business, and I don't intend to be nosy. However, I do want to understand how monogamy works. I do want to understand how human beings can resist their animalistic instincts and stay true to their loved ones. Sure, just because you ordered dinner doesn't mean you can't stop looking at the menu. But isn't it also true that when you go into restaurants, after ordering, the waiter/waitress takes away the menu?

And strangely, I've seen gay couples in open relationships stay together a lot longer than gay couples who are in a monogamous relationship. I wonder why that is. I can understand that one wants something exciting, different, and possibly new. Who doesn't want that? But here's one important factor that I haven't mentioned yet about these friends who are in an open-relationship: they are HONEST about it. So there's the key word: honesty. They seem to be very happy, and very in love with each other. Just because you decide to have sex with someone on the side does not mean you don't love the person you're with. If you snuck around behind his/her back, then you have a problem. But if they are okay with it, and if they agree to handle it well, then go for it.

So I suppose the best way to handle a relationship is just to be honest with each other. Don't be afraid to share things. If it's meant to be, it will work out. If not, then you know it's time to take a different direction.

As far as monogamy goes, it works for some, and it doesn't work for others. Everyone has different tastes in things. But it is not up to us to judge them. They are just doing the same thing we are doing: living life the way we want to in order to be happy with ourselves.

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Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: Vacation - Go-Gos

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So the first entry. I am certain that I will be using this account. I've had many others, but of course, I'm a controversial person and loves a good controversy. That only led to really lousy friends who are completely idiotic and don't have any respect for me or my beliefs. So, I'm starting a fresh page!

Also, I've wanted to start a new account where I can focus on my writings. I've always dreamed of being a writer. The kind that sits at Barnes & Noble for hours trying to collaborate an idea while drinking Starbucks. Of course, I'd need a story to write about. The ideas are always in my head, and I keep writing them down, but never got a chance to finish them. Though I do excell at writing memoirs and fictional stories, I want to try a new approach: theater.

Theater has always been in my life. I've done acting from the age of 4 in pre-school all the way up to now. But being a Deaf student has its disadvantages. It's very hard for me to get an acting job because of my speech issues. Though I do speak well for someone who is Deaf, I still have some issues with my speech. I'm not always so clear, and my "accent" is somewhat hard to understand for some people. So, as a result, I retired my acting career (if I ever had one) and looked into other parts of the theater. In high school, I was mostly a tech. I worked on sound and lights, and I've also designed costumes as well as the set. Those were fun, but much more stressful than being an actor. There were deadlines to meet, and of course, there were ALWAYS that one person who'd disagree with me. Then, I thought about writing for theatre. I thought about being a playwright. I would love to spice up a good story on the stage, and then win a Tony. Or perhaps spice up a good musical book. But we will see. This blog is just an experiment. But I already have had some ideas:

01. A musical about a Deaf drag queen (yes, they ARE out there!)
02. A play about a mother who tries to reconnect with her long lost son whom she pushed away many years ago.
03. A musical parody of the movie, "Can't Hardly Wait." Wouldn't that make a good musical!?
04. A dramatic play about the case of Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson.
05. Another dramatic play about the AIDS outbreak in the late 70s and early 80s.

I have ordered books on Amazon about writing plays, so I will get to reading them soon, and perhaps try my writing exercises on here. :-)

But this will also be a personal blog, where I will post my thoughts, ideas, and feelings about a certain thing. I also enjoy freelanced writing, and just plainly posting random things. Comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated, and will be respected as long as it is considered respectful to me.

Current Location: the living room
Current Mood: bouncy bouncy
Current Music: Deep Love - Young Frankenstein OBCR

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